A “saying no” update – an abusive “no” is never acceptable
I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about saying “no” – which got a great response at the time. I followed that with a speech at an event and the feedback from the audience showed that this is a topic that causes us all some discomfort from time to time.
With this in mind let me share what happened yesterday
I was walking along Princes Street – the main shopping street in Edinburgh and usually very popular with tourists but at the moment disrupted by the installation of tram lines for a much maligned and , in my humble opinion, unnecessary tram system.
I was heading to my next meeting , walking puposefully along, when a young lady stepped forward with a bright smile and said “Hello, I ‘m Annie. How are you today?”. Annie is one of those people who try to get you to sign up to a direct debit to support a charity and it said on her t-shirt that this time it was for the Red Cross.
In my above-mentioned speech I mentioned saying “no” to people like Annie specifically. Firstly the question they ask is usually “would you like to help Cancer Research/the work of the Red Cross/work with children”. The answer to that for me is yes..I will and do. But what they are really asking in that situation is will I sign up to pay regular monthly amounts to do so and the answer to that is “no”. I make a conscious decision on what charities I will support and how much I will spend on charitable donations and tell them so following that with best wishes for the valuable work they are doing and with a smile and a wave I am on my way.
As I was about to tell Annie this she held my hand and said “Oh you stopped. Thank you so much for doing that” I asked her if she had been having a bad day and she said that that day in particular had been truly awful. Most people just ignored her but 2 had actually told her to “f*** off”.
Now I don’t care how busy/stressed anybody is ignoring a young lady like her is far more courteous than swearing at her. Here in Edinburgh the buses have notices saying something like “our bus drivers have the right to work without being abused” and the same applies to Annie who is only doing her job.
I shared this story with the friend I was going to meet. She told me that she saw the local Big Issue seller receive similar abuse from someone the day before. A simple “no thank you” is all that is needed surely.
Annie and the Big Issue seller – like the bus drivers – are human beings after all.
Jul 10, 2009
Hi Jackie, Since my children were all in the service industry one way or another, I became very sensitive about this. I really make an effort to be polite to servers and fundraisers, etc., knowing how much grief they get every day. You would be amazed at how their faces brighten just by hearing a “thank you” or “how are you today?” In a way it’s kind of sad, though. How would you like to live in a world where you might go days at a time without hearing “thank you” or “how are you today?”?
Jul 13, 2009
Thanks Brad. It really helps me to think about how I would feel if my own children were doing that job. Just not being rude or abusive is a start – a smile is a good next option – a thank you is the best!
Jul 13, 2009
Reminds me of street kids in Harare. The middle class feel a right to be irritated – sometimes as misplaced guilt – we basically feel the kids ’shouldn’t be there’ and that becomes indignation ‘they don’t have the right to get in my way’.
If we take the view that they have the same rights to the pavement as I do, the only question that remains is how to define our interaction.
Now I don’t drive into potholes head on – so I should also try not to have a confrontation with a street kid. I can also consider what they can do for me. So I might send them to buy two cokes – one for me and one for them and pay them for the run.
Equally, I can say no. And here comes the funny part. A student researched the skills of street kids and they know exactly how to engage eye contact and make us feel guilty. If you engage on their terms – engage eye contact back and speak normally – the conversation changes rapidly. I had a party trick of getting them to give money to rich visitors from abroad. I felt a bit bad about the 20cent coin, but it probably was money well spent on stopping people feel sorry. If they don’t feel sorry, then no indignation, and then common sense can triumph. Give the kid money if you want to. Send him on an errand if you want to. Say no if you want. Just behave normally.
This also led to funny situations when you donate a pencil and eraser to a kid who fails to have the right apparatus to edit the parking tickets – with the admonition to use his takings to reinvest in capital equipment and do his job properly. It sounds counterintuitive – but it restores the normal adult-child relations of protection and guidance.
In NZ, I would ask phone surveyors -are you getting a commission for speaking to me. If yes, I answer and try to make them laugh. I don’t feel any obligation to be accurate.
Here, phone surveyors don’t get commission, so I will answer and help them meet their targets if I need a 1 minute break and they are v. quick and don’t ask questions that violate security. Most do sadly.
And what would we do without the interruptions of urban life? I always knew when I had a very organized client because I was in and out of their building so early that the street kids weren’t around to mind my meter. We miss them when they are not there!
Jul 13, 2009
Thank you Jo for giving me another perspective of this. The youngsters in Princes Street are paid employees and earning a living. I like your comment “how to define our interaction” though. Making me think.
Jul 13, 2009
Oh the street kids are earning a living too – but they are their own bosses – more challenge to the middle class grist. I learned heaps from them – not least the possibility of overcoming middle class irascibility, if we give it a go.
Jul 13, 2009
I see what you mean Jo. I have never been anywhere where there are street kids like this – although one time parking in Glasgow some local lads came to offer to “protect” the car for £1 and the driver thought it was worth the investment. Similar tactics I think. Thanks for painting that picture!
Jul 14, 2009
I’ve come at this one from the other side. When I ran sales offices and distribution centers during my corporate period, we had a rule for all our workers, who routinely spoke with both our salespeople and our customers. It was: “Always be polite. You never know what the person on the other end of the phone experienced right before this call.”
Jul 17, 2009
Thanks for the insight to the “other side” Wally!