Jackie Cameron - Coaching and Communication

A couple of weeks ago , when I attended a farewell event for the Headteacher of the school we had both worked in I met up with former colleague, Susan,  whose research on the social capital of the people involved in that school I found fascinating. She has promised to send me a copy of her final report and I am looking forward to reading it.

In the meantime I was searching on Social Capital to get some background when I came across this article by Malcolm Gladwell from way back in 1999.  I highly recommend you take 10 minutes or so to read the whole thing but there is one aspect that prompted this post.

The article is about a lady called Lois Weisberg  who is  someone who “knows everyone” and who in his book  “The Tipping Point”  Gladwell calls a “Connector”. But  he sums up why Lois is so successful in this when he says

“When we say….. that Lois Weisberg is the kind of person who “knows everyone,” we mean it in precisely this way. It is not merely that she knows lots of people. It is that she belongs to lots of different worlds.”

So Lois is now elderly - born in 1925 that makes her 84 in my calculations so she has had time to build up her connections over the years but just as important she has built up those connections from those “different worlds”.

As I understand it Susan researched the social networks of the children in the school - their families, friends, neighbours, community supporters, teachers, churches etc  At some point each of those children will develop their own wider networks - when they go to work, into further education , move to a new area, in sports activities and so on.

And that is how we build our social capital - through the networks we develop which come from the “worlds we inhabit”.

In 2009 when the ability to connect - in a meaningful as well as superficial way - using technology has been added to the traditional ways of building our networks I believe young people have even more  opportunity to make connections for all sorts of reasons.

I have a couple of troubling thoughts on that though

1 Most young people don’t realise and understand the power of their networks to help them reach their goals early enough - which means for example that getting onto the job market is still approached mainly through the traditional job centre/employment agency/ job advert routes.

2 Some older people  - who are probably still trying to work this out for themselves - undervalue and indeed try to block or restrict the very means that opens up those wider worlds.

Facebook and Bebo are merely the tools to build up the network and, in the scheme of things, are still relatively new. It will be interesting to see how the generation growing up with them make, develop and use their connections to build their social capital.

I am a fan of Seth Godin’s books and read his blog from time to time. I don’t always agree with him but he does make me think and this post did just that this morning.

As human beings we usually want to be liked. That’s what makes saying “no” so hard. But I have listened to so many people telling me that they are doing something they are not happy about because they just could not use that little 2 letter word.

As an independent consultant I had to learn the “no” lesson quickly as I was in danger of taking on projects that I did not really want and might actually confuse my business offering. I decided that at all times I would check with my mission statement - to work with others to make a difference - and my personal values when deciding what to do. It made the saying “no” much easier when I had the confidence of knowing why I was saying it.

Seth advocates 3 ways of saying “no” - with respect, promptly and by making a suggestion for someone who might say “yes”.

On the first one the language we use can make such a difference

“I have been listening to what you have to offer. Thank you for that but it does not fit with what I am doing so I will pass on the opportunity.” or ( particularly when you are asked for a donation to a charity or cause)  ” I understand that the work you are doing is very valuable and wish you all the best with it. I have already decided on my spending commitment in that area ”

In addition can I suggest that if you know that you will not want to be involved in future don’t soften what you are saying by including ” right now” or ” for the time being” in what you say or the asker may see that as a chance to approach you again.

With regard to cold calling salesmen I think the quick and respectful “no” is important . I know the calls can be annoying but the person at the other end of the phone is doing their job. In those cases I say “no” as soon as I can get a word in ( some sales techniques make that tricky!) and wish them all the best.

Seth’s final suggestion of saying “no” and suggesting someone who might say ” yes” needs to be used wisely. On one hand mentioning someone with better or more appropriate skills  could win you brownie points with both parties. On the other it could look like passing the buck. I remember agreeing to  a visit from a  ( very expensive) vacuum cleaner salesman as a favour to a friend ( a quick no would have been appropriate at that stage) and then when I told the salesman that I was not interested he asked me if i could give him names of other people he could try! A very quick no followed there.

Saying “no” at work has its challenges. As a boss though you may need to say “no” regularly and the best bosses I have worked for and with do this by explaining fully why it has to be that way. I think that fits in the “respectful no” category. As an employee , there to do your job under an agreed contract and get paid for it , there are few situations where saying “no” to your boss would go down well . Being asked to work outside of regular hours would be one situation where it is either possible or not. 

Which brings me to my final point on this. Being clear about whether you are saying “no” because you really cannot do what is being asked ( you don’t have the skills, time , strength, money, childcare cover ..) or because you don’t want to can make all the difference to how you feel about saying it and what you should say!

I recently attended a seminar on networking for business. The speaker described the  model  he used which started with meeting, moved onto building relationships and then finally led to doing business together.

To start  he set us a group activity  where he asked us to choose 1 of 4 topics - food/holidays/books/movies. Then he asked us to introduce ourselves to someone we did not know and to have a 5 minute chat without talking about what either of us did for a living. The energy in the room suggested that this was both an easy and enjoyable way of getting to know someone. 

I learned this technique a few years ago. I have a poor memory for names (I really do try).  I am quite good with  faces though and often remember something from the previous conversation - about a holiday or great book - that means that reconnecting is easy and with a few skillful questions I can get round to remembering out their name.  ( If that fails I just ask - most people will be kind enough to say that they suffer from the same affliction!)

Now for a while I have been thinking about why I find some online interactions uncomfortable - especially Direct Messages on Twitter when I follow someone new and I realise that some people jump to stage 3 - as if the mere fact that we are in touch means that we have broken the ice and formed a relationship already and that I want to buy something from them.

 I think the power of Twitter in particular is the ability to indulge in “small talk”. Like what are you doing today? Have you had your first coffee? How’s the weather where you are? Asking about family members, recognising and celebrating events ( birthdays, anniversaries, the 1000th post on your blog) all help build relationships.

These kind of Tweets are the ones that the “non - believers” often dismiss as a waste of time but  I believe - in context - they have the ability to be incredibly valuable.

Would love to hear what you think.

 Jo Jordan’s  from Flowing Motion ’s comment on a previous post inspired me to explore this topic some more. Then I was writing on the theme of giving yourself credit for what you have learned .

Jo has spent time working in the education sector and is ideally placed to comment further - and I am grateful to her for her insights. I will work through them one by one

1 Not everyone needs or wants and A and moreover the universities won’t allocate A’s to more than a handful of people.

I have seen so many students stress about getting a First/A for their degree. For some jobs this might be the clincher but you know what - after a while ( maybe even for your first job) the fact you have a degree at all will suffice for many employers. I tested this with some  - very successful - business friends and not one of them had been asked for the grade of their degree. I was asked to provide the originals of my degrees for the most recent ( temporary) job but that appears to be unusual too. ( for the record I refused to send them  - it is so difficult to replace the originals. Copies were willingly accepted - so why all the fuss!?) Now this might change or be changing as so many good candidates out of work are chasing jobs but I am not so sure.

2 Some students passively accept the university’s goal system when they should be setting goals for themselves.

Over the years I have mentored groups of  Human Resource Management students and I am currently working with General Management Students. In each case I continually ask them what they want out of their studies. When I decided to go back to formal studying in my mid 30s it was simply to prove to myself that “I was clever” and on a par with my peers. I was honest about that - I felt a piece of paper would somehow validate it. That was my goal - and I achieved it !  Joking aside though as with many challenges I believe that if you know why you are doing it and what you are aiming for your level of motivation will benefit.

3 Generally students find it hard to let go of the “parents/teachers know it all”. If students have experimented with setting their own goals and standards by the end of third year, then they have won. And the university and employers (and future partners) know that.

Says it all really

4 Did they have fun?

Jo suggests that some students would complain about the amount of work they put in but still got disappointing marks so whe suggested that they study less and party more!  Because learning should be fun - and when the fun goes out of it it just becomes a slog.  And the best learning often comes as a by product from something unstructured that is going on in tour life.

I like the final statement Jo makes because it reflects truly what I feel about supporting students - in school, further and higher education

“[students] need to  learn to trust the full set of their needs and priorities and the best way to learn is experientially. But it does help to have someone watch their back while they do. They are lucky to have you there to coach them.”

Thanks, Jo.

I was reading the Time Out Guide book I had for my trip to Stockholm at the weekend on the flight home as I had to fill a couple of hours and not surprisingly there were no English lanuage newspapers at the airport ( which is a fact not a complaint - see below on that point!).  I was glad I had not read it in full before I travelled though. In the restaurant section they handily reminded me about the incompetent “Swedish chef” in the Muppet Show with his imcomprehensible accent which must be really really annoying for the wonderful real Swedish chefs out there.

How easily are swayed by what others say?

A friend recently told me about a workman she had hired to do some handyman work on a recommendation from a colleague with the warning ” he is really good but can be a bit grumpy”. She was prepared for his grumpyness and was surprised and delighted that he was totally charming while working for her.

And I regularly read the reviews at www.tripadvisor.com before booking a hotel.  At the start we actually changed bookings on the strength of reviews but I am more cautious now and try to read between the lines and balance the good reviews against the bad ones to find some middle ground. As a regular contributor myself I try to ensure that any bad points are explained in context. It is not really helpful for example for a reviewer to complain that a 5star resort is “expensive” - duh? Or that brands from home are not available locally - surely  the point of travelling is to broaden the mind and experience ( as at the airport)?  But hotel managers have the right and opportunity to comment on the reviews but they should not just post a cut and paste response to all bad reviews like I saw for one hotel.  I passed that one  over !

It is generally accepted that businesses need to work hard to keep abreast of what their customers are saying about them and work harder still to maintain a good reputation.

But what about individuals - small business owners ( like the handyman) or employees even? Getting meaningful feedback can be very helpful  and using that as a basis  for doing more of what you are good at ( and less of what you are doing badly!!) is advisable.

But a word of warning - weigh up good and bad feedback against each other  balance it and to put it into context . In other words don’t rush off to improve on something that only one person out of many thinks needs improved.

And be careful how you talk about others -  out of context that grumpy comment could have cost the handyman a customer. When it comes to visiting new places or hiring new workmen - try to start out without bias and as my Mum says ” take as you find”.