Why it is worth thinking about the way you ask questions

We will all have had experiences when we know that someone is asking a question to get the answer they want. Or even worse know the answer to the question before they ask it. Parents in particular can get a hard time for this eg…”how did you get on with that school work? ( badly – because the school has already been in touch to say so! )

How you ask a question can really make a big difference to the answer you get and it is worth remembering.

As a coach it is my job to ask questions. Most important for me is to frame the question that leaves the “me” out of it. The kind that might start “surely” or “don’t you think”…By asking it that way it will be really clear where I stand on the issue.

Then there is the choice of an open or closed question – the latter where a “yes” or “no” or “fine” can effectively end the conversation.  “How are you today?” can be “what’s on the cards for you today?”  or “How have you been ?”  can be ” bring me up to date with what has been happening in your life since we last met?”

Then there are the questions that spring right out of your subconscious to the conscious and out of your mouth without really thinking.  For example when having lunch with a friend with diabetes a fellow diner  asked “should you be eating that?”….the silence that followed was embarrassing – for us all. My friend felt the need to justify and explain ( and then lost the ability to enjoy the food) , the fellow diner realised the faux pas too late and I just squirmed at their shared discomfort. “I would be interested to know a bit more about how you manage what you eat” might have been a better question – and not asking it at the meal might have been better timing.

I am a strong believer in asking questions to get clarity and I do it a lot both as a coach  and in general. This has heightened my awareness of asking questions generally and – as is often the case – I learn most from when it does not go well.

A suggestion for an alternative question in the parent/child situation at the start of the post might be ” I understand from your teacher that they were disappointed with the quality of the work you handed in.  I would like to hear how you feel about it and what you have agreed to do about it?”. Your child may well think you have been replaced after an abduction by aliens but it could be worth a try!

So – my message? Keep asking questions - just take a moment to run that question through in your head to understand why you are asking and choose the words that will help you get the best response.