It’s OK to say “no”
I am a fan of Seth Godin’s books and read his blog from time to time. I don’t always agree with him but he does make me think and this post did just that this morning.
As human beings we usually want to be liked. That’s what makes saying “no” so hard. But I have listened to so many people telling me that they are doing something they are not happy about because they just could not use that little 2 letter word.
As an independent consultant I had to learn the “no” lesson quickly as I was in danger of taking on projects that I did not really want and might actually confuse my business offering. I decided that at all times I would check with my mission statement – to work with others to make a difference – and my personal values when deciding what to do. It made the saying “no” much easier when I had the confidence of knowing why I was saying it.
Seth advocates 3 ways of saying “no” – with respect, promptly and by making a suggestion for someone who might say “yes”.
On the first one the language we use can make such a difference
“I have been listening to what you have to offer. Thank you for that but it does not fit with what I am doing so I will pass on the opportunity.” or ( particularly when you are asked for a donation to a charity or cause) ” I understand that the work you are doing is very valuable and wish you all the best with it. I have already decided on my spending commitment in that area ”
In addition can I suggest that if you know that you will not want to be involved in future don’t soften what you are saying by including ” right now” or ” for the time being” in what you say or the asker may see that as a chance to approach you again.
With regard to cold calling salesmen I think the quick and respectful “no” is important . I know the calls can be annoying but the person at the other end of the phone is doing their job. In those cases I say “no” as soon as I can get a word in ( some sales techniques make that tricky!) and wish them all the best.
Seth’s final suggestion of saying “no” and suggesting someone who might say ” yes” needs to be used wisely. On one hand mentioning someone with better or more appropriate skills could win you brownie points with both parties. On the other it could look like passing the buck. I remember agreeing to a visit from a ( very expensive) vacuum cleaner salesman as a favour to a friend ( a quick no would have been appropriate at that stage) and then when I told the salesman that I was not interested he asked me if i could give him names of other people he could try! A very quick no followed there.
Saying “no” at work has its challenges. As a boss though you may need to say “no” regularly and the best bosses I have worked for and with do this by explaining fully why it has to be that way. I think that fits in the “respectful no” category. As an employee , there to do your job under an agreed contract and get paid for it , there are few situations where saying “no” to your boss would go down well . Being asked to work outside of regular hours would be one situation where it is either possible or not.
Which brings me to my final point on this. Being clear about whether you are saying “no” because you really cannot do what is being asked ( you don’t have the skills, time , strength, money, childcare cover ..) or because you don’t want to can make all the difference to how you feel about saying it and what you should say!
Excellent post, Jackie! Like anything else, saying no properly takes practice. It’s sometimes awkward, but saying no can do you and the asker a big favor. I love your point about bringing about future grief by saying “not now”. As a salesperson, I sometimes appreciate it when a prospect gives a definite no. It saves me a lot of time selling when there’s no sale to be made.
Hi Brad – I had not thought of it from the seller’s point of view and thanks for adding that!
Great post, Jackie. Saying no is something I struggle with, and I especially appreciate the reminder to use a personal mission statement as a basis for decision making, especially as it relates to choosing work opportunities.
Hi Becky – thanks for coming by! Referring to my missions statement has so far given me clarity on what makes me uncomfortable about a couple of offers. In a business context if you are going to turn down the opportunity to earn fees it is a good idea to be clear why. On other occasions though it has allowed me to get into conversations with potential clients about what they really want and then say what I can and would be willing to do which I think is far more satisfying for both parties.
Excellent post, I needed this!
I try to respond to cold callers with a level of respect for their chose, perhaps imposed by cirumstances, employment. At times though, I confess to being less than cordial. Application case study, http://mainehrcafe.com/2009/05/07/cold-call-phishing/
I now have the script I need to escalate my respect to an even more professional level.
[...] a friend of mine over in Edinburgh. It is all about saying no with courtesy, dignity and respect. It’s OK to say “no” As human beings we usually want to be liked. That’s what makes saying “no” so hard. But I [...]
Another great post.
There is a great book out called The Power of A Positive No by William Ury. Respectfully saying no is something that can be practiced. The other one, no and suggesting someone else is one of the prize tools one can have in their networking toolkit!!
[...] wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about saying “no” – which got a great response at the time. I [...]