A couple of things prompted this post.

Firstly I was speaking to someone who said that some days they wanted to just offload to someone who would listen but they found that when they tried to do that that the other person would step in and try to solve a problem.

The second was Robyn McMaster’s post on thinking differently about giving advice.

In my view the most important skill for a coach - and really for anyone -  is to be able to listen.  Listen , listen and then listen some more - holding on for a few more seconds to ensure that the speaker has really finished. The challenge then is to feedback what you think you have heard to ensure clarity of understanding - and then ask questions to provoke more consideration on what theyhave  said. If the person you are speaking to does really just want to talk something through to reflect and gain clarity of the situation for themselves this can be invaluable.

I know how hard this is from both my own experience and when teaching others active listening skills. On the face of it it seems like such a simple switch but it does take a level of self awareness to make it!

On the flip side though some people believe that they want someone else to solve their problems. “What should I do?” or maybe the more fraught with difficulty “What would you do?”. I think it  is fine to tell a story about how you dealt with a similar situation but we each need to work within our own realities and take responsibility for our own decisions and actions to avoid the ” so-and-so told me to do it that way  - I knew it wouldn’t work ” cop-outs.

I am not saying that there is never a time when giving advice is not the best thing to do. Pointing out to a student that missing a deadline for an important piece of work to go to a rock gig is not usually a good choice might be one!

On the other hand neither am I advocating listening for hours to someone going round in circles over and over the same old ground. You need to stop that flow as soon as it looks like it is becoming repetitive and unproductive!

Remember, I didn’t say it was easy - but I do think it is worthwhile.