This is my entry for Robert Hruzek’s Group Writing project for April on the theme “What I learned from Adversity”.
A few years ago my husband returned from a networking event to tell me that he had bumped into my old friend and former flatmate Anne. He told me that she was going through another round of chemotherapy and that she looked fine but it was about time she and I got together again.
Anne and I were the kind of friends who - even if we did not see each other for years - would pick right up from where we left off. We had worked together many years before which led to us sharing a flat and though - and maybe because - we were like chalk and cheese we got on really well. So I called her and we arranged to have lunch. And as before we started talking like there had been no gap. The elephant in the room of course was that she was clearly under the weather because of her treatment and she was wearing a wig. That would not have been obvious to anyone who did not know she was undergoing treatment. It was very natural and styled by her own hairdresser. I know - because she told me! So any worries I had about tiptoing round how she was were immediately dispelled. She also told me that - at that stage - she knew she had “longer than 2 months and less than 2 years” left according to her consultant. Now I needed to work out how to react but taking my lead from her I asked her questions and she answered.
We met up regularly after that. She went on holidays to places she wanted to visit - taking all of her medication with her and doing as much as she could. She was annoyed that she was too tired to train for a half marathon. She worked every day except the days she was very sick because she loved her job and her clients were very important to her. I asked her how she coped when she was feeling down - and she said that she just talked about it.
We arranged to have lunch a few weeks later somewhere where we could sit out in the sunshine and have a glass of wine and bunk off for the whole afternoon. Then I fell sick and was out of action for a few weeks so we rescheduled. Sadly , Anne died the week before that date could be filled. The number of people at her funeral and the warmth of feeling for her showed how much she was loved and respected.
A few weeks later my dear friend Dorothy called me to ask if I would go to hospital with her as she had found a lump on her breast. Dorothy knew about Anne and indeed supported me when she died. So now I had another dear friend with cancer. I went to all of Dorothy’s appointments with her. She dealt with each challenge by asking questions, checking that she understood properly, seeking advice and taking decisions for herself. Even when at the worst stages of her chemotherapy she could be found trying to cheer someone else up. She thanked the nurses and doctors for their care and commented specifically on things she found helpful on the basis that doing more of that might help other patients too. She is now fully well and, although she will be on medication for the rest of her life, has been told that she has not greater risk of another cancer than the general population.
So what did I learn from Anne and Dorothy?
From Anne I learned that - cliched though it might be - we should live life to the full and never put anything we want to do off til tomorrow because we have no idea what is ahead.
And from Dorothy - taking control for addressing whatever challenges you face helps stop those challenges controlling you.
Robert Hruzek’s monthly What I learned from… group writing projects have taxed my brain in the past but this one takes the cake. He has give 18 - yes you read that correctly - topics to choose from as a “mash up” for which I read a mix and match. Never one to shirk a challenge I decided just to go for all 18. Here goes.
In fact I sort of started with my post earlier this week about Stepping outside my comfort zone as in that post I was talking about the very friends who are once again the subject of a post on my blog.
I met these 5 lovely ladies at school. Two of them I knew from Primary School days ( age 5 - 11) and the other 3 I met when we started high school - in 1969 and we have been friends ever since. On leaving school we all followed different career paths and 25 years ago we started our monthly “Girls’ Night” get togethers which have become legendary amongst relatives , other friends and work colleagues. We are sure that this arrangement has lasted so long because we always put the date of the next night in the diary ( in fact we now do it 2 months in advance to keep things rolling).
When we hit the big 40 we started to take trips away together too. Although some of us had been on holidays together in couples we had never been away as a whole group up to that time. Our first momentous trip was to Dublin and we have since travelled by planes, trains and automobiles ( aka cars this side of the ocean!)
For a while one of our number lived overseas. This was no obstacle though - we could get over that by writing to her each month when we were together telling her what we were talking about as and when it happened ( it must have been interesting for her to read a week as the person tasked with the writing also had to cope with a couple of glasses of wine and supper). How much easier that would have been now with the new technology!
We have differing ideas of what to do for recreation but on our latest weekend spent amongst the mountains in the Highlands of Scotland we were just happy in each other’s company. The cabin we used had a television and we took some movies on DVD but in the main we kept it simple and bought in some food, shared a glass of wine together and just chatted and reminsced - using the time and space to just recall some of our shared memories.
During visits to each other’s homes over the years we have kept up to date with the development of our children ( and some of their pets - a particulary frisky dog and a lively hamster come to mind) who are now all young adults. My own daughter keeps up to date with her school friends too and I wonder if we have set a great precedent!
What I learned from staying in touch with my friends all these years is that
- with a bit of organisation it does not take much effort to stay in touch
- sharing each other’s ups and downs has made our friendships even stronger
- there is always something new to find out about someone you have known all your life
- years don’t age us - maybe we have a few wrinkles but our attitude is resolutely young
And I would like to say that for all sorts of reasons these ladies are my heroes.
Do you have an old friend who you see occasionally - maybe only once or twice a year if that - but when you do meet them it seems like no time has passed at all? Maybe one of you has moved away, or the opportunities to meet are fewer -or there was maybe a minor dispute which disrupted your friendship. Whatever happened you have no trouble picking up conversations again and laughing about things that have always amused you when you do catch up with each other?
I guess this time of year gives friendships -as well as family - more of a focus.
Today I had lunch with a good friend ( and former boss - God bless his patience) and the time flew. It’s been several months since we last met but catching up was easy.
Why is this?
Well we have a shared history - so there are touch points which mean a lot to us. And with the benefit of hindsight we can reflect on situations from the past that look differently now. He and I set up a new part of the business together and had some trying but iinteresting experiences in doing so. Much of what I learned then is still a big part of how I do things today.
However, without care and attention, all friendships- like plants and goldfish - will wither and die. So I intend to take responsibility for being in touch with my pals. One of my 8 things to do in 08.
