Turn off and tune in
I read this post over at the All Things Workplace blog written by my good friend Steve Roesler on the theme of taking time to notice . He includes a video of Daniel Goleman talking about compassion and connecting with other people. The video is well worth the 14 minutes time out of your busy day that it would take to watch.
As is so often the case when I read a post that touches me I take a while to mull it over and reflect. I also mindmap when I am listening to a speaker if I want to capture important comments and quotes and I noticed in the map of Goleman’s talk I had written down
“Turn off – and tune in…to the other person”
Why..well here’s my thoughts for what they are worth
So many of us are wired to our technology – either really with the white i-pod earphones or by some Pavlovian reaction to the ping from a text or e-mail arriving. I travel by bus a lot and regularly see people paying their fares as they board without removing the earphones – therefore ensuring they have no connection with the driver. I also noticed a woman conduct a conversation on her mobile phone whilst loading up her grocery shopping onto the conveyor belt, packing the bag and paying – never once connecting with the checkout guy. How hard would it be to turn off and tune in for just a few moments?
And I always feel slightly put out when I am with someone who dives to read a text or take a call. They may be waiting for something important and I am absolutely fine if that if I know up front but when a conversation is interrupted so that one party can check what has arrived it breaks the flow – the thread of the conversation itself and the rapport that the parties have built up. The body language changes and the connection is lost. …and I can’t help feeling that my companion would rather be somewhere else.
I teach on a management programme and the students commented on how hard it was to spend time with their team when the list of e-mails in the inbox was ever growing and needing attention. They agreed that protecting time for employees was important though and each time we meet I hear reports on how taking time to talk after removing the distractions - or moving away from them – is proving to be really valuable.
On that programme I cover my my tips for great listening and the first one is
Be Present
I picked this up from the Fish! Philosophy some years ago and it stuck with me. In the book “Fish Tales” there is one story of a guy who used to visit his elderly Mum and when he popped in on her he would chat while standing but felt that it was not right. After thinking about it for a while he realised that he should sit down to chat. That way she knew he would be staying for at least a little while and he focussed on being with her when he did. Turns out that when he visited his Mum would have the TV on – she took to turning it off when he sat down to chat and he said it “spoke volumes about how she values my visits”.
Do you value other people enough to turn off – and tune into them ?
I really became aware of this when my son, girlfriend and text messaging ran into each other. While at business meetings I had simply become used to folks being distracted, the impact on conversation at the dinner table was a bit too much. So, we’re all working around here to limit the gadgets during ‘talk time’ including the TV and other distractions. What’s funny is — the conversation can be shorter, more intense and more satisfying when you focus.
Oh I so agree Fred. When we focus on the conversation and nothing else so much more can come up. We can find out more about each other too.
Thanks for that!
First off, Goleman’s work resonate with me, nearly everything he writes and says, so tnx for the mention, link, and video.
For civil behavior to be reinforced and become the norm, the direction connection is required. Which is pretty much why I don’t do drive-ups for banking, coffee, food et al. I want that face-to-face moment. It always takes a moment longer, but if we get to at least exchange smiles, each moment that it takes is worth it.
I too have seen all those behaviors, the customer yackety yacking into a cell phone oblivous to the human being on the other side of the transaction.
Even here in the cyber world, attention to listen through reading, and reading between the lines, like listening between the lines ensures that connections are made, nourished, and sustained.
Be Well today.
This has really struck a chord, one of my pet hates is when you visit someone and they take a phone call. It’s not them taking the call that I object to as much as them carrying on a conversation instead of explaining that they have a visitor and could they call back, so rude!
Brillian article, Jackie
It’s true – you can literally read between the lines in online communication too. I feel truly connected to some close online friends and I can sense when there is something else going on for them!
And like you I much prefer human interaction for my coffee. A quick chat, even about the weather , can be so uplifting!
thank you for your usual thoughtful response
Thank you for coming by Yvonne and I really appreciate your comment! Situations like that make me wonder where I rank in importance in the other person’s life!
There are several things at work here. First, there’s human nature, which is not likely to change.
We’re wired to pay attention to things that blink and ping and happen at the periphery of our attention field. They will always distract us. It’s how God made us and for millennia it kept our ancestors from being eaten in the wild.
The other bit about human nature is that it takes uninterrupted blocks of time to do anything serious, whether that is writing a report or growing a relationship. If you want serious things to get done, you need uninterrupted time to do it.
The ethos of the day encourages speed and juggling and multitasking. At the same time, technology that blinks and pings and fits in a pocket makes it possible
The only way you can do serious things is to shut off the things that blink and ping. This has to be a conscious decision. It will not happen by accident.
Shut off the things that go blink and ping is my thought for the day. Thanks Wally.
I think it is a matter of respect also. When I am talking to someone that person has the right to be focused upon by me. I prefer to say “no” to a friend when I am in a hurry and have to do other things, and when I am talking with another person I am talking with her or him and all other activities have to wait. Whenever I have the impression that someone is talking to me but thinking of doing something else, I ask him whether he or she has got the time to talk to me, which is rather blunt, I know, but it helps.
You make a very good point Ulla and I think asking if the other person has time could actually be a considerate question if you turn it on its head. I teach listening skills and one of the suggestions I make is to be sure you have enough time to truly listen when someone wants to speak to you. If you don’t – suggest a better time and reschedule.