Ooops – now what have a I learned from that?

This is my entry in Robert Hruzek’s “What I learned from..” group writing project for July 2009.

Many years ago I shared a flat with a couple of colleagues. It was my first move from home and I found it really hard to adjust to other people’s habits. In practice we got on well enough but really lived separate lives under one roof. The fact that we worked together too became  a bit claustrophobic. Another work colleague suggested I take the spare room in the flat she owned. She said that as she was away a lot she would feel happier with someone there all the time. It was too good an offer to turn down so I gave notice in my old flat and packed up all my stuff to move out.

I had provided the furniture for the room I had in the first flat and it had to be dismantled and made ready for the move. I caused a serious amount of disruption and upheaval and there was stuff lying around all over the place.

My boss was one of the business owners and one of my flatmates was his assistant. He  asked how things were going and I said that things were in a bit of a mess at that point.

He was a wise, sensible man so what he did next was inexplicable. He said to my ( soon to be ex) flatmate that I had said the flat was a dump. When he realised what he had done  ( by her extreme reaction) he came to tell me…and apologise. His feeble attempt at a joke had backfired big time. My STBExF was insensed and bawled me out in front of everyone in the office. Sides were taken and by the time I did move out we were no longer on speaking terms.

I am not sure why this memory came into my head when I read the topic for this month’s WILF but when I think about it now I realise how much I learned. How would I handle it now?

1 I did not of course say that the place was a dump – but it was in a mess – mainly of my doing. That much was undeniable by any of us. I needed to say that but..

2 when someone is really really angry they will be at their least receptive so I should have bided my time and when she had calmed down taken some time to be with her – possible on neutral ground!

3 the fact that she responded so dramatically indicated that there was more going on in her life at that time than losing me as a flatmate but I took full responsibility for the whole sorry thing..

4 ….which as triggered by somebody else who, to give him his due, did alert me but did not work very hard otherwise to diffuse the tension his wayward comment had created.

The final bit of learning though is that sometimes people who are central to your life for a while no longer need or want to be there and they move on – maybe to reappear at some point in the future may – be not.