Is “but” one of the saddest words in the english language?
Posted on October 4th, 2007 in Leadership, Personal awareness |
Is “but” one of the saddest words in the english language?
I remember one young man showing me his league winners medal for basketball - then taking the gloss of his success by saying “but it’s just for local league”.
( could have been - next time it will be national league!)
How many time have you heard someone tell you about something they achieved and then go on to belittle it by saying “but”…
Sometimes it is about moving the goalposts. This might be in relation to aiming for a senior management position, reaching that, realising that it is no longer enough and adding “but I still want more money/responsibilty/prestige”
(try substituting that but for and and see where it goes).
Sometimes it’s about playing down success to make others feel better -” I know that that was a great success but it really wasn’t that difficult. People do far more important things..”
(and I am so pleased for us all stops it sounding like pride if that’s imporant)
Sometimes it’s about lack of self esteem. Like someone telling you you really suit your new haircut and you respond with “but I would like it to be longer/blonder/straighter”
( how about - thank you and a smile)
In the workplace the “feedback sandwich” can be very effective -positive feedback-some suggestions for change/development -positive feedback. It can be hugely demoralising to hear a good stuff from the appraiser to then go on with “but…” immediately the good stuff is pushed away.
I am not suggesting that reaching for new goals is a negative - of course, constant realistic challenges can be very energising and satisfying. What I mean here is that by being aware of how you use the word “but” you might find that you can make changes that can be positive.
I think I might advocate “No But” day just to see what difference that might make.
4 Responses
“But” is one of my most hated words! I was doing a job some years ago which was grossly understaffed and under resourced with very high expectations. There were 2 of us working round the clock and producing reports that, with the benefit of hindsight, were to a very high standard. I used to send these off to the client and a letter would duly come back. These always started “This is another very good report which will add to the series but…”. Then would follow 3 pages of nit picking criticism. I got to the stage of leaving these letters unopened on my desk as they did so much to kill morale and enthusiasm.
It was a revelation when I subsequently did projects for others in the same organisation and got encouraging and grateful responses!
Thanks for sharing that Christine. I expect many of us will have been victim of this sort of thing and the impact is immeasurable. It is interesting that you can look back and see the value and quality of what you are doing. How many others accepted similar criticism and believe it was right to this day.
Of course what happened to you was almost certainly coloured by the other person’s position - which may have been lack of self confidence or just plain lack of good sense!I am glad that other colleagues appreciated what you did.
…and, as my husband is fond of saying “just because someone says it does not make it true”
Jackie
[...] But - it’s that word again! - I can’t pretend to know what he really does on line or who he speaks to or whether we have the right controls in place. Despite being moderately computer literate, to the extent that I still sort out his computer problems rather than he mine (and surely that shouldn’t be!), I’m not entirely confident that he’s not giving away more personal information than he should. He could easily be making inappropriate comments on other people’s sites - or his own - without really understanding the ramifications. He could be talking to people who are not what they seem. He could be welcoming viruses and spam. I don’t know and I have to admit to not being entirely sure how to find out, without turning into an overbearing policewoman. [...]
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